Tension in the parent – parent child relationship is inevitable and this because of you have different desires, objectives, and agenda’s – for example; bedtime – sometimes your child wants to stay up late and watch TV, but you want them to have a good night’s sleep, so there’s disagreement.
As a parent it can be hard to provide structure and boundaries, and you may feel that this cannot be done while simultaneously offering emotional alignment. However, this can be achieved and is done by trying to balance structure and connection! Although this may not always be possible, as long as it’s your goal, then you are better able to provide your child with the nurture and structure that they need to thrive. However, limit setting can leave children distressed, which can be upsetting for everyone involved! So it’s important to understand why boundaries are needed. Having this knowledge may enable you to keep going when it gets tough.

 

Limit setting teaches children to how to regulate their emotions and behaviour

• Children benefit when parents create structure within their lives, because it allows the them to develop a sense of appropriate behaviour.

 

• Boundaries also help children to develop a healthy sense of inhibition. They allow children to develop knowledge regarding what behaviour is safe and socially appropriate, and they do so in a safe family setting.

 

• They also allow children to learn frustration tolerance and response flexibility. These times give children an opportunity to develop their self-regulatory skills, as they learn to redirect their frustration to other things.

 

• Being consistent in setting boundaries teaches children that increasing their emotional outburst will not lead to getting what they want. As a result, over time they learn to re-direct their energy in more productive things.

 
It can be hard to set and stick with boundaries and because it’s hard, it is also important to think about how to make it easier for you, as the parent. The key is to realign yourself with your child’s first emotional state as this helps you stay connected with them.

 
• Empathise with your child and reflect back the essence of their desire, without actually fulfilling it. For example; “I know you want the ice cream, but it is too close to dinner, maybe you can have some after dinner” this is better than “no, you can’t have it”. Reflective and empathic comments can help your child move past the frustration of not getting what they want. However, sometimes they will become frustrated even when you offer the most supportive response, as they are adamant about their desires! This is perfectly normal, and during these times allowing your child to have their distress without punishing or indulging them, is the kindest thing to do. It also provides them further opportunity to learn to tolerate their emotional discomfort.

 
• You don’t have to fix the situation by giving in or by trying to get rid of their uncomfortable feelings. Letting your child have their emotion, and letting them know that you understand that it’s hard when you don’t get what you want is the kindest and most helpful thing that you can do for your child in that moment.

 
• It is not necessary or even helpful to always verbalise reasons for your decision, sometimes it’s okay to say “no that’s just not okay with me” or “I understand how you feel, but I’m not going to change my mind”. This helps develop children’s ability to delay gratification and modify their impulses. Hearing “no” helps children develop their emotional intelligence. Providing an alternative way of saying “no” can soften the blow.

 
• Always Repair!! This step is so important. You may feel guilty about these disagreements which may prevent you from making the effort to repair, but always try! Rupture and repair within the parent-child relationship is normal and necessary! Once the repair always takes place – the rupture does not impact the relationship.

 
• When attempting the repair remember that children have different temperaments and different ways of processing emotional meltdowns. Some take a long time to recover, others recover quickly; learn to respect your child’s style. Timing is important, if you’re rebuffed after your first attempt – don’t give up!!

 
• Finally, always enjoy your children. Hang out with them. Do things together as a family and try as much as possible to have “one to one” time on a regular basis